DATING A FOREIGNER BY THAI LADIES - PART 6
If online dating and real life dating has led to you having a relationship with a foreigner, you are entering into a new and exciting phase. This is actually the most important phase, more important than online dating, because this is where you determine whether your relationship is going to be successful and whether it will last for a long time.
It is relatively easy to feel attracted to someone in the beginning, but it is much harder to develop your relationship into something deep and lasting.
In this phase, it is important that you can grow your connection in understanding and trust, while bridging your cultural differences and differences in personality and background.
It’s important to realize that not everyone can do this! Many Thai girls are successful in finding a foreign boyfriend, but not all of them succeed in keeping the relationship going and some of them break up for several reasons.
You can learn from common mistakes and problems in Thai-foreigner relationships and why they break up.
COMMON REASONS FOR A BREAK-UP WITH A FOREIGNER
After the first phases of physical attraction, you and your boyfriend haven’t found a common ground to keep the relationship interesting. This happens a lot between Thai girls and foreign men. The reason can be that the foreigner was mainly interested in sex, so he was not so serious and you perhaps picked the wrong candidate.
But the reason can also be that you simply don’t have enough to offer to each other. Be honest to yourself and think if you give him what he needs and if he gives you what you need. Maybe he didn’t love you enough, or maybe you lack some life experience, skills or interests to make yourself interesting to him.
Now here is a piece of advice which may be hard to take for some girls, but it is true and based on our years of experience with many couples. However, if you are serious about having a relationship with a foreigner, you should be a bit self-critical and be open to the possibility that some factors are on your side.
If you are dating a (young) farang partner, quite often he wants to exchange things with you, and unfortunately Thai girls are not well trained in the art of conversation and education in Thailand is not up to standard worldwide, even though you have gone to university and even though most Thai people don't realize this.
Be honest and count the hours you are spending playing Facebook on your smartphone. Does it help you to be become a more interesting and developed person to him? Or does it just keep you comfortable and complacent? It is our Thai nature to strive for comfort and happiness, but it is not foreign culture and so this is where you may have to learn and adapt.
If you want to stand out from the crowd, you have more to offer than your body, your smartphone and your Facebook page.
Lying in the relationship undermines trust, and trust is the basis for every relationship. If you or your partner lie, you are cutting in the roots of your relationship. As a Thai, realize that lying to save face or 'be considerate' (เกรงใจ) is not as common or accepted in some foreign cultures as it is in Thai culture.
Money is not the most important thing in a relationship, it is love. However, (lack of) money can affect a relationship to such extent that it can make or break the relationship. If there is not enough money to support both of you, it can lead to stress and frictions. But if you expect too much from him to support you (and perhaps your family), it can also make him think this is all about money and that you’re lazy and complacent.
Some relationships that are built on the pillars of mutually taking care (make him happy, support you) can be very successful, if you and your partner see that as your mutual and compatible roles in the relationship.
Other couples need a different emphasis than taking care to keep the relationship going, for example by developing interests and passion for things outside of the relationship. In such case, money is just a minor thing and not much attention should be paid to it.
It's very important to share with each other in an early phase the plans and dreams you have with each other in the near and far future.
For example, if you want children and he doesn’t, then having a relationship together is like embarking on a journey that can never reach a destination. Ultimately, it cannot last no matter how much you love each other.
Another example is, when it is clear that he wants to relocate to his own country and you don’t want to leave Thailand for a cold place, then you may have some problem because you’ll be separated for a lot of time.
So, although it may not be such a pressing issue in the beginning, it is important to verify whether your plans for the future can converge with his plans, if not, there will be a clash later and all your investments (in time and emotion) into the relationship will be in vain.
This is typically something you can check while still dating online: you can select candidates that stroke with your future vision and simply not go ahead with those who don’t. So ask him the right questions about the future to select the ones that can be a possible candidate.
This is where a relationship really becomes a relationship: your combined ability to solve problems together.
It is easy to be comfortable in a beautiful house with a big car and enough money to spend every month, but sooner or later minor or major problems will occur, and it will depend on how you solve them whether your relationship can be deep and lasting.
If you ignore problems and hope they will just pass by, they may become bigger even (or especially because they are) unseen. It's like brooming the floor and putting all rubbish under the carpet: eventually you're going to stumble over it.
It is Thai habit not to want to address problems in general, rather to try to silently make them disappear and to focus on harmony instead, however it is a farang habit to make them explicit and discuss them and address them.
Both approaches may work in their own context, but when two cultures come together, somehow you have to find the middle ground.
The main thing is, that if you are able to overcome your problems together, your relationship will grow stronger than ever and eventually no storm can sink your ship. But if you cannot solve problems, your relationship will start to rot from within and eventually you both will suffer.
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This information has been compiled and written by QpidConnections and is targeted at a Thai female audience.
Questions: ask qpidconnections@gmail.com
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